If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
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First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I enjoy a good short stor