Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
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Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
don’t we all
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.