“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
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Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
😅😅😅
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
mathematically impossible
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills