ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
You Might Also Like
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?