[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
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When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
*puts cutlery down*
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate