[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
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I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Very good news from my accountant
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
inside you are two wolves