things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
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If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Put the is in disheveled
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.