I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
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Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.