There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
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A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
I hate my earbuds.
☺️
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener