a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
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Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”