Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
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[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
*mops up wine with cat*
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I have never heard an armadillo before.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.