My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
You Might Also Like
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.