Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
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My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.