Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
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I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am