Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
You Might Also Like
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat