when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
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It do be feeling this way.
Easy enough.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.