Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
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Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND