When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
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*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc