It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
You Might Also Like
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.