My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
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Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House