Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
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A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math