Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
You Might Also Like
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Duck typos.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one