Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
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Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”