PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
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My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
lol
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.