Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
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The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?