My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
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My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me