DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
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8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I should wash my van
We could use the rain