watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
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On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid