my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
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It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?