t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
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Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it