At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
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dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa