“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
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Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
somewhere, in an alternate universe
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
My favorite female superhero
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Whisper out to librarians!