Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
mechanics be like
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!