Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
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WHY would you be happy about this?
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
My sex drive has a dui
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
May have had one breakfast too many
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game