Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
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What flavor cupcake are these
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister