Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
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I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye