Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
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I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”