Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.