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Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”