Guys, I found it.
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All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy