A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
You Might Also Like
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”