[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
You Might Also Like
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.