IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
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nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
hi why am I like this
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Happy weekend !
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi