Always leave them wanting their money back.
You Might Also Like
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
What personal space?
My dog
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I only eat vegetarians.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Breaking news:
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Meme Monday.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.