Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
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Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
relationship goals
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.