velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
You Might Also Like
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Just how popey was the pope today?
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.