All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
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What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
step 6: release the wall snake
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Nice try, poison.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.