“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
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When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
#oldknees
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.