tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
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Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”