Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
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Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times